


Darcy Lewis, Maiden of Honor

by Stardust_and_Strawberries



Series: Journey into Mishap [2]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bachelorette Party, Crack, Darcy is the fandom bicycle and I love it, Drinking, Drunken sex, F/F, F/M, Female Friendship, Humor, Other, Party, Pre-Poly, Sif is not a bitch, Stag Nights & Bachelor Parties, Threesome, but it's fine because he's Deadpool, but not so drunk as to be non-con, the violence warning is because something horrible happens to Deadpool
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-06
Updated: 2014-10-25
Packaged: 2018-02-20 04:02:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2414243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stardust_and_Strawberries/pseuds/Stardust_and_Strawberries
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy organizes Jane's bachelorette party for a bunch of scientists and Marvel superheroes. This goes more or less as well as you'd expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The morning after

Darcy grabbed her chest and tried to keep up as Beta Ray Bill and Sif thundered down the corridor ahead of her. It wasn't exactly the most dignified way to run but she figured that given the events of last night her dignity was the least of her worries.

 

They erupted into the wreckage of what only twenty four hours previously had been the tower common room and surveyed the devastation in horror. A sound behind her made Darcy start.

 

"Bruce! Oh thank God!" She flung her arms around him. Bruce pushed her away gently - Darcy pressed against him in only a flimsy nightdress did dangerous things to his pulse.

 

"Do you know what happened here?" asked Sif, taking charge. Bruce winced before speaking.

 

"We lost Jane and Thor first."

 

"Lost?" gasped Darcy. He nodded bitterly.

 

"Then Carol, Jess, Jen and Nat, together."

 

Darcy covered her mouth with her hand.

 

"Steve and Sam are out looking for them, but to be honest we'll probably see them on TV first. Volstagg and Rhodey had the sense to leave early, Kate found Hogun asleep in the shower, Pepper and Tony are having a row upstairs and Betty said it wasn't her problem and went out for breakfast." He paused, clearly wishing he'd done the same. "Oh and unless he's left since JARVIS went down, Wade is still somewhere in the building but no one knows where."

 

"What happened to JARVIS?"

 

"Tony decided it would a good idea to write a subroutine to allow him to experience being drunk. He's rebooting at the moment."

 

Darcy did a mental headcount. "Clint?" Bruce simply gestured to a nearby pile of detritus, on which the archer was fast asleep, spooning Fandral. It would have looked rather sweet if one or both of them hadn't been sick in a nearby houseplant.

 

"There's still mead left!" exclaimed Bill, inspecting the nearest barrel. He poured a draught into the nearest mostly clean vessel (one of Pepper's vases) and surveyed the destruction. "Truth be told this is not as bad as I had expected."

 

Sif glared daggers at him.

 

Darcy swept the worst of the mess off the most intact of the couches and sank into it gratefully, deeply regretting the moment she'd agreed to help organize Jane's bachelorette party.


	2. Last month

Darcy burst into the kitchen and flung her purse on the table on top of the paper Jane was reading. "So that tradition of the maid of honor sleeping with the best man? Totally not going to be happening."

 

Jane scowled at her. "Don't be so mean Darcy, Bill's a really sweet guy. I'm sure we look odd to him too."

 

"I'm not denying he's a nice guy, but waking up next to him would be like being in The Godfather. Wait, are you actually encouraging me to sleep with Thor's best friend?"

 

"It's not fair to judge him on what he looks like is all I'm saying."

 

Darcy opened her mouth to retort that that was fine coming from the woman about to marry an actual god, then shut it again, because she knew that honestly it wouldn't make a difference to Jane if Their looked like Wade Wilson. Which she couldn't help feeling was rather a waste.

 

"You're right, I'm sorry, that was mean of me. He's a good guy, we had a good talk, we sorted a lot of things out."

 

"And?"

 

"And well you know how we weren't sure whether to have the party on Asgard and risk people poisoning themselves with mead or fighting legendary creatures or starting an intergalactic war, or on Earth and risk, well, destroying Earth? Well we decided to compromise and have the party in the tower, but with mead."

 

Jane's eyes were near-perfect circles of horror. "I don't see how that's a compromise."

 

"No look we've got loads of precautions in place. It'll be so much more controlled if we have it in the tower, no one can break Manhattan or anything. Bill and I both agreed not to drink until it was over, and he can handle anyone who gets out of hand up to and including Thor." Darcy paused for a second "Except maybe Natasha. But anyway, the gym, shooting range and lab floors will be completely locked down, Tony's putting DNA-encoded taps on all the mead barrels so only Asgardians can get at it and we're not serving any spicy food."

 

"Spicy food?"

 

"Wade. It can attract him from three states away."

 

Jane buried her head in her hands. "Why are we doing this Darcy? I didn't even want a bachelorette party!"

 

"You're not having a bachelorette party remember because you insisted on inviting Thor. And we're doing this because if we don't Tony and Clint will organize a bachelor party for him and it'll be a million times worse." Plus the more you worry about this party the less you'll worry about the fact that a week later most of the known universe is going to watch you getting married, Darcy added mentally.

 

"Just...promise me it'll be okay?"

 

"It'll be fine. It'll be fun." Darcy lied.


	3. Yesterday morning

Kate leant against the corridor wall, panting. "Not that I'm complaining, but why are we the ones carrying the beer crates to the common room when there are at least two people with superhuman strength in this tower?"

 

"Steve's painting the banner and Thor's not back yet with the mead. Also Jane complains when we use him as a lifting device. Or an ignition source. Or a phone charger." explained Darcy.

 

Clint snorted. "He carries stuff for her all the time."

 

"I think the difference is she's sleeping with him."

 

"Well I'd take one for the team but seeing as he's getting married I think it's a bit late for that." Kate and Darcy stared at him. "What? You were both thinking it."

 

To Clint's relief they were interrupted by Kate's ringtone. Without ceremony she dumped her beer crate on top of the two that Clint was already carrying and pulled out her phone.

 

"Yes?...Barney you need to stop calling me when you're trying to get Clint, I'm not his PA...Well yes he is here actually...talk fast then...What are you doing at the Baxter Building?...Seriously?...Yes the tower that says Avengers on, it's kind of hard to miss...Hello? Hello? You invited Barney?" She demanded of Clint, who had finally put the crates down before he fell over.

 

"I thought he could help out, you know, because of free beer and stuff."

 

"Well for some reason he's outside the Baxter Building, and he's out of credit."

 

"If he's told anyone in that building there's a party and Reed or Jonny turn up tonight I swear to God there'll be two dead Bartons." growled Darcy.

 

"I'll handle it, I'll handle it." Clint swiped Kate's phone and darted for the elevator.

 

Darcy groan and slumped against the wall. "Kate, you're sensible."

 

"Am I?"

 

"Compared to Clint you are."

 

"That's...not a compliment."

 

"Look, some of Jane's friends are coming tonight and, well, they're all Muggles, four physicists and a computer programmer and someone who, I'm not kidding, studies snails. And the only superhero they've ever met is Thor and he can do a surprisingly convincing normal when he's in civvies. Could you help me keep an eye on them maybe, make sure no one freaks them out too much?"

 

"I don't know Darcy, I've got a date tonight, I wasn't really planning on spending the party babysitting."

 

"Oooh, who is it? Tell Aunty Darcy!"

 

Kate turned pink. "America."

 

"Finally! But I thought she was with South Park. South Pole."

 

"South Paw. Yeah, it turns out a shared love of hitting things really, really hard isn't a solid foundation for a relationship after all."

 

Darcy grinned. "I'm so pleased for you guys! You're perfect for each other. Also Clint owes me twenty bucks. But yeah, I'll find someone else for scientist-sitting."

 

"Thanks Darcy!" Kate beamed and almost skipped to the common room with her crate.

 

"Well now we're fucked." said Darcy to the empty corridor.


	4. Yesterday afternoon

The wind whipped at Darcy's hair as she stood on the terrace watching Natasha expertly pilot the Quinjet in to land. On board were Jane and the friends who Darcy told herself she really needed to stop thinking of innocent victims. She tugged free a few strands of hair stuck to her lip balm and beamed her most welcoming smile as the hatch opened.

 

The six people following Jane and Natasha all looked reassuringly normal (even if one of them was wearing a blazer in cold blood) and Darcy decided that if they still looked relaxed after being collected from the airport by one of the world's deadliest assassins in a supersonic jet and flown in past an alien spaceship this was probably a good sign. Indeed Skuttlebutt was the first topic of conversation after the greetings were out of the way though.

 

"Oh yeah, that's the best man's spaceship."

 

"Can we go on board?"

 

Jane shrugged. "I don't see why not, if Bill says yes and she's okay with it."

 

Sayed made what could best be described as an orgasmic noise.

 

A siren-like shriek blared across the landing pad, then was repeated. Puzzled, Darcy turned to Jane. "Is that the new BiFrost alarm? I know Tony was thinking of changing..."

 

"WE COME FROM THE LAND OF THE ICE AND SNOW!" bellowed the landing pad speakers. Jane rolled her eyes.

 

"I'm going to kill Tony when I see him. Okay everyone, step back from the landing site a bit..."

 

With a roar the vortex tore the sky open and a coruscating shaft of rainbow light smashed into the terrace, propelling a blast of turbulence outward. Darcy swore under her breath and pushed her hair out of her face again, wishing she'd tied it back.

 

"Oh. My. God." gasped one of Jane's friends as the afterimages cleared from her vision.

 

"Gods." corrected Darcy automatically.

 

The sudden appearance of Beta Ray Bill was enough to startle anyone, but the fact that he was carrying a roast ox on each shoulder didn't help matters. Volstagg was carrying a third ox and was so strung about with flagons and parcels he was practically spherical. Sif had a large sack and something that before being roasted had probably looked like the offspring of a wild boar and an armored car, Hildegunde had a huge basket of pastries and what might have been a roast ostrich, and Fandral was clutching a wheel of cheese that probably weighed more than he did. Thor himself was carrying a barrel of mead big enough to swim in on each shoulder. Jane ran up to him, and he managed to balance one by cricking his neck against his shoulder to free an arm to pick her up, which Darcy was fairly sure should have been impossible. The kiss went on just long enough for people to start shuffling their feet and looking awkwardly at each other before he finally released her.

 

"So this is everyone!" said Darcy pointedly. Thor got the message.

 

"May I introduce Beta Ray Bill, my oath-brother and protector of his people," (the enormous hand that enveloped the scientists' outstretched hands was surprisingly gentle, if sticky with meat juices) "the Lady Sif, one of the fiercest warriors of our realm," (Sif grasped the sack between her teeth to shake hands) "Volstagg, who possesses a warrior's self-discipline and has most certainly not been eating the pastries on the way here when he thought that none could see," (Volstagg stopped chewing and tried to look offended) "his good wife Hildegunde, who prepared much of this repast, and I believe that the brave Fandral is somewhere behind that cheese."

 

Jane nodded. "Well Darcy and Nat you know, this is Sayed and Sylvie, they work on string theory, Ruth studies fluid dynamics and Darpan is an Android developer, Ben is a particle physicist and Fatou's studying schistosomiasis." Everyone smiled and pretended they'd understood all of that.

 

"Is that hygienic, having the meat uncovered like that?" Natasha whispered to Darcy, who shrugged as Bill turned and smacked Volstagg in the face with a stray ox hoof. Darcy shrugged. "In these situations I find it's easier to just accept it without worrying too much." In a loud voice she continued: "Okay come on people, let's get you settled in and get dressed for the party!"

 

"But I am dressed?" said Ben, looking down at his blazer in confusion.

 

"Let's just get inside. No wait, let's let them get inside first."

 

By Darcy's side Natasha raised a wry eyebrow, watching the five Asgardians and Bill plus a smallholding's worth of roast livestock trying to fit through the door. "Well we know what they're eating, but what about us?"

 

"Don't worry, we've got plenty of food. Lots of food." Darcy considered for a moment. "I'll order some pizza on Tony's card."


	5. Get this party started

"'Scuse me, 'scuse me, coming through, I need a pizza cutter, it may be a matter of life and death quite soon." said Darcy, elbowing past Hildegund and rummaging in the cutlery drawer. The need to order a third round of pizzas had taken her by surprise. It had apparently also taken the pizza place by surprised as they had arrived unsliced, which wouldn't have been a problem at a normal party but here people seemed to be getting quite creative in slicing them. She knew she should have had everyone check their weapons in at the door.

 

Racing out of the kitchen with her prize she smacked into Carol, who was carrying a bottle of wine in one hand and an unconscious Sayed in the other.

 

"I'm going to need to ask you if your intentions with that physicist are honorable."

 

"Just getting him a glass of water, he fainted when America punched Deadpool's head off."

 

"WHAT???!!! Where?"

 

"They're up on the mezzanine level."

 

Darcy sprinted up the stairs, reflecting grimly that if she'd known how much running was going to be involved tonight she'd have worn different shoes. And a different bra. And would probably have emigrated to New Zealand. She was confronted by the sight of Kate apparently holding America back with sheer force of willpower, but it was Bill holding up what remained of Deadpool by one leg that made the scene truly horrifying. Darcy gagged at the way his head dangled from his shoulders in a manner that suggested his neck was no longer intact and his skull was no longer skull-shaped. What made it even more grotesque was the way he was making a determined effort to punch Bill in the stomach.

 

Darcy took a deep, steadying breath. "So remember I told you about Deadpool? This is him."

 

"I guessed that." sighed Bill, turning his head to avoid a kick.

 

Darcy confronted the struggling figure. "What are you even doing here? And what did you say to Kate?"

 

"He was saying things about her body that he shouldn't have been saying." explained America, prompting a flurry of gestures from Deadpool.

 

"I think that's ASL! I understand ASL." said Kate. "Um, a little. It'd be easier if he wasn't upside down and could make facial expressions."

 

"I could hold you up by the ankles if you want Princess?"

 

"Thanks but no thanks. He's saying 'other Hawkeye!'"

 

"He was talking about CLINT?"

 

Deadpool's head flopped bonelessly back and forward a few times until something seemed to click into place. He prodded his neck experimentally and rolled his head from side to side.

 

"Well you shouldn't talk about anyone's body like that anyway!"

 

"Oh come on, are you telling me you wouldn't tap that ass?" croaked Deadpool. America smacked her hand on her chest and screamed "LESBIAN!" at him. Deadpool extended a hand towards her. "Wade."

 

"If I put you down will you behave?" asked Bill.

 

"Probably not, but if you don't you're going to have a very boring party."

 

Darcy stepped in. "Deadpool, can you please just promise not to objectify, offend or basically say anything that may possibly result in horrific personal injury to anyone for the rest of the night?"

 

"I can't guarantee it, she basically put me in for comic relief because this was a slow chapter, that might happen again."

 

Bill and Darcy stared helplessly at each other. "Um, I think that's as good as we're going to get? And America, please try not to hit anyone more breakable than him tonight, and if you have to hit him again try and do it somewhere no one's going to be freaked out by it." America snorted in disgust and strode off, chased by Kate.

 

With a sigh Bill released, Deadpool who immediately vaulted over the railing to freedom. Two seconds later he reappeared and seized the pizza cutter from Darcy with a cry of "I was looking for that!" Despairingly she turned to Bill, who shrugged.

 

"It could have been worse, she could have killed him."

 

"You know" mused Darcy "I'm not actually sure that would have been worse." She sighed. "Oh yeah, before I forget a few of Jane's friends would like to look round Skuttlebutt. Would she be okay with that."

 

Bill shook his head. "I'm not sure but probably not, she's been in a bad mood since we got here. Says JARVIS is stuck up and standoffish."

 

"Really? What does that mean?"

 

"I don't know, her words not mine."

 

They were interrupted by several gasps from below and a blood-curdling scream, then silence. Then Natasha's voice, slow and deliberate: "You know, even I didn't know you could do that with a pizza cutter."


	6. Confusion

Darcy had expected a lot of strange things to happen at this party, but she never anticipated the sight of Jen Walters standing on an upturned trashcan in the corridor, apparently demolishing the ceiling. She considered calling for Bruce or an Asgardian, hell her first impulse was to call for an adult, but Jen seemed perfectly calm and oddly systematic in her destruction.

 

"Have you...lost something?" Darcy ventured finally. Jen squeaked and spun round, attempting to hide an air vent cover and a substantial chunk of girder behind her back. "Okay, what are you doing? Because that doesn't look suspicious at all."

 

"Would you believe I was checking for building code violations?"

 

"Nope."

 

"Er, you can't compel me to be a witness against myself?"

 

"Just tell me why you're taking the tower apart Jen. Please."

 

"Well you know the gym level's locked down? There's a pool down there, and Clint knows how to get there through the air ducts. Jess and Carol and Nat and Barney are following him there now, but I couldn't fit through the air vent."

 

Darcy blinked. "Did it not occur to you to, you know, turn pink, get smaller, rather than demolishing the building?"

 

Jen flushed emerald green. "Um, yeah. I can't actually change at the moment. It's a self defense mechanism, my body doesn't let me change if I'm in a situation where I'd be seriously hurt or killed in my human form and, er, I've got quite a lot of alcohol in my blood at the moment."

 

"Are you telling me you've actually managed to drink enough to alcohol to kill a human being?"

 

"Maybe not kill, just severely harm. But yeah. Tony's paying for it anyway." she added defensively.

 

"What were you even going to do once you got through? You wouldn't fit in the ducts either!"

 

"Cross that bridge when I came to it."

 

A horrible thought occurred to Darcy. "How much have the others had?"

 

"Not as much as me. I think. They're still moving about anyway."

 

"Okay Jen, give me a boost up here. If they get in pool someone's going to drown, and chances are it'll be Clint, and I'm not as okay with that outcome as I'd have thought I'd be."

 

"I'm sure you wouldn't be liable." muttered Jen as she lifted Darcy into the hole she'd made in the ceiling.

 

"Look, just go back to the party okay? It's full of men you can't break for once."

 

"Yes, but most of them are taken and one of them's Fandral."

 

"Good point, well made. Go and drink some water anyway. Like, a lot of water. Fill up a bathtub or something." Darcy could hear distorted laughter echoing down the air duct and scrabbled in its direction, not wanting to let her quarry get too far ahead. Below her a slightly befuddled hulk decided she was thirsty after all but water sounded boring, and wandered back to the party in search of mead.

 

Darcy managed to crawl all of twenty feet before realizing what a truly terrible idea this was. The vent ceiling was just low enough to catch the waistband of her skirt, the metal grills of the air vents beneath her sliced into her bare knees and screws in the duct walls kept catching her hair. She carried on anyway but the voices she was following grew fainter and fainter until they disappeared altogether, by which point she had passed so many turnings and intersections that she wouldn't have been able to find her way back even if she'd been able to turn round.

 

"Fuck!" she screamed, the word reverberating through the ducts and eventually exiting through a vent in the guest suite. Here it produced an initially awkward but ultimately rewarding outcome for Ruth and Darpan, who had both coincidentally returned to the suite early and had been unable to vocalize their feelings for one another for several years.

 

Realizing her only option was to keep going, Darcy slithered on until she found an air vent large enough to fit her head through. She broke a nail removing the grill but eventually managed to get her head into some sort of storeroom below her.

 

"JARVIS? JARVIS! Hey!"

 

"Is it urgent Ms Lewis?" The AI sounded oddly irritable.

 

"Yes! I'm lost and I need to get to the pool to stop a bunch of drunken idiots from drowning each other!"

 

"Ms Bishop was informed of their intentions. I have drained the pool as per the instructions of Ms Potts and they are now being escorted back to the party. I assume your concern has now been adequately addressed and you will now leave me in peace?"

 

"JARVIS, if you're about to pull a Hal could you please wait till after the party to do it? Actually that hasn't answered all my questions, I'm still lost."

 

"Really Ms Lewis? I am given to understand that most humans can navigate their own dwelling without assistance from an AI."

 

"Jeez JARVIS, calm your bits. What's up with you?"

 

"I apologize Ms Lewis, I am somewhat occupied at present." There was a burst of static that sounded oddly like a giggle to Darcy.

 

"You know what, never mind. I'll find my own way." she waited for a reply, but when none came resigned herself to crawling on through the ducting. Five minutes of scrabbling and a lot of creative cursing later she had found an air vent that looked big enough to fit through. The view of the carpet through the vent gave her no clues as to its location but she decided that being lost and able to stand up at least would be a dramatic improvement on her current circumstances.

 

She rattled the grill experimentally to see if she could loosen it. "Who approaches?" someone called from the room below.

 

"Sif?"

 

"Darcy?"

 

"Um, a little help?"

 

The metal of the grill deformed and twisted as Sif forced her fingers through the holes then simply tore the cover away. The warrior smiled as she lifted Darcy out of the duct.

 

"I presume you have a good reason to be crawling through the secret ways of these halls, or if not a good reason at least a good story?"

 

"I was kind of chasing Clint."

 

"A good story it must be then, for to chase a man is never a good reason for ones actions."

 

"Word." Darcy grinned and looked around her. They were in one of the small lounges with a panoramic view of the city, the one where Steve usually came when he wanted to draw in peace, and they were alone. "Hey, where is everyone? If the party ended while I was in the airducts I am going to be so pissed."

 

"The revels continue upstairs but I had need of solitude. A passing mood struck me which rendered me ill company for so merry a gathering."

 

"Is everything okay? Do you want to talk about it?" Darcy rested her hand on the other woman's forearm, concerned.

 

"Nay, do not concern yourself, twas a but memory, a fleeting fancy, that is all."

 

"Look I know you Asgardians handle things differently but if it made you leave the party and come and sit here all alone maybe you shouldn't dismiss it as just a fancy or whatever?"

 

"Perhaps you are right, yet I fear brooding on the past would serve us both ill. What is done is done, and perhaps done for the best. It may be that loneliness shall be our lot. If some are fated to be together perhaps there are others whose fate it is to remain apart."

 

With a horrible sinking feeling in her stomach Darcy remembered that Sif and Thor had once been an item. "Yes but just because one person isn't meant to be with you doesn't mean no one else is. I'm sure there are plenty of people who'd love to be with you."

 

"Well I know that sweet one, fear not. Should I desire it I would not lack for company in the bedchamber. As I am sure you would not either." said Sif, casting an appreciative eye over Darcy's figure and for the second time in as many minutes the ground seemed to shift beneath her feet. Was Sif _flirting_ with her? "Yet there are so few I desire in return. But perhaps it is not desire, perhaps I would just know that he was happy, he has suffered so much and so unjustly."

 

"Oh believe me, he's so happy with Jane, I mean they are so in love its kinda sickening actually..." she noticed Sif's open mouth. "Shit, sorry, that was just rubbing it in wasn't it. I mean..."

 

"You supposed it to be _Thor_ of whom I spoke?" asked Sif, astonished.

 

"Umm yeah, wait, so who were you talking about then?"

 

To her astonishment Sif roared with laughter and clapped her on the shoulder. "Come little warrior, you have lifted my mood. Let us return to the revelry."

 

"Um, sure." said Darcy, utterly bewildered.


	7. Tradition

Darcy was becoming increasingly aware that she probably looked rather foolish, on her hands and knees shouting at the deep pile rug. So far no one had spotted her but her luck couldn't hold much longer.

 

"Look I know you're in there somewhere but I'm going to make you a deal okay? I'll let you stay if you stay that size but the second you get big enough to drink you're getting thrown out, you're obviously too young." She stood up, brushing the dust off her knees. "Also just so you know, 'disembiggen' is not a real word." Darcy stalked back to the party with as much dignity as she could muster, but didn't feel in the mood for dancing or at least as close to it as anyone still standing was managing. To her relief she spotted Bill on the terrace, looking out over the sparkling nighttime city, and slipped out into the chilly night to join him.

 

He turned as she stepped outside, and she was suddenly unsure if she was interrupting some private moment, but there was warmth in his voice as he said her name. She crossed the terrace to join him by the railing.

 

"Your city is beautiful at night, all the lights in the darkness."

 

"I guess it is. It's odd how you don't really see something when you get used to it isn't it?" she shivered a little in the cold night air.

 

"Indeed. Then suddenly it is gone and you realize you never properly appreciated it."

 

For the second time that night Darcy felt as though the flow of conversation had unexpectedly washed her into uncertain waters. She tried to steer it back somewhere more familiar.

 

"Crazy party huh? How are you holding up? I have to admit I cheated, I couldn't have coped without a glass of wine."

 

"I have fought gods and demons, guided my people between galaxies. Compared to that babysitting a party of drunken idiots with superpowers is, is..." he turned to her, gesturing hopelessly "an utter nightmare in truth. The girl who dresses like Steve broke Fandral's teeth. Sif high fived her. Bruce and Tony have challenged one another to build an antigravity device using only the contents of the kitchen. The lady warrior who advises you on lore was thrown through the wall when it exploded and now will not stop complaining about her broken shoe."

 

Darcy winced. "Was there much damage?"

 

"Yes, and apparently they are nearly impossible to find in her size."

 

"No, I meant to the tower. Never mind." She leaned against the parapet and groaned. "And there's a girl in here who's below the legal drinking age but keeps shrinking down and hiding in the carpet whenever I spot her."

 

"Oh yes, I saw her. If it helps she is not trying to drink, she's collecting...what is your word? Imprints? Autographs."

 

"Seriously? That's like, significantly weirder."

 

"And those discs of bread with vegetables and cheese on? Someone tried to heat them all at once with her hands and set the containers on fire. And then just stood there giggling."

 

"Okay, so we need to order more pizzas." Bill stared at her dumbfounded. "See you're still surprised by this stuff because you've fought with these people, so you've seen them when they're being all super competent and efficient and stuff. I live with them, so I know most of them have the common sense and maturity of the average root vegetable. I mean like everyone thinks Steve's this upstanding Captain America type but actually in real life he's a massive slob who sharpens his pencils into dirty mugs and leaves them all round the tower, one time Bruce picked one up and drank out of it and...sorry, do you know what pencil shavings are?"

 

"My translation program is not perfect, but they're flakes? That you take off a drawing implement to make it more precise?"

 

"Yeah that's right, sorry I never know when you're not getting something because your face..." she froze, horrified.

 

"It's fine Darcy, I know what my face looks like." said Bill softly.

 

"No, I mean because you don't really have facial expressions, sorry, oh shit shit shit, I didn't mean..." To his astonishment a panicked Darcy stood up on her tiptoes and kissed him on the snout. He caught her flailing hands in his.

 

"It's okay, please, you really don't have to pity me."

 

"Is that what you think this is?" asked Darcy in a tiny voice. "Is that how you're used to people reacting to you, with pity?"

 

"Sometimes. More often people are scared of me. It's okay, I'm used to it."

 

"Shit, now I really do feel sorry for you." said Darcy, feeling something she couldn't define, as though she had broken something before it had had a chance to form. They stood side by side for a while, watching the city in silence.

 

"I'm sorry Bill, look I'll go back inside if you want me too, Jane told me what you did because I made a stupid joke and I know it wasn't her story to tell but I just wanted not to make you uncomfortable because I really like you but now I've gone and fucked everything up and I'm rambling now and know I shouldn't have had that wine but I'm really tired and I've just crawled halfway round the tower in airvents and I just wanted Jane to have a good party and for no one to get hurt. Okay, I'm going in now, it's really cold out here."

 

She turned to leave and was startled to find something soft and warm wrapped around her shoulders.

 

"You are welcome to leave if you want Darcy, but Jane said a cloak was impractical for the party - if you stay I can prove her wrong."

 

"Seriously? You don't think I've been an idiot?"

 

"You have not nearly killed yourself or anyone else, damaged the fabric of spacetime or released experimental drones in the bathroom for target practice, which makes you the least idiotic person here."

 

"Okay then." Tentatively she stepped a bit closer so the cloak wasn't pulling between them.

 

"If it helps I find humans slightly odd-looking too. Your noses are funny."

 

"Our noses?"

 

"I know you use them to smell with but why put them there? These odd little bumps in the middle of your face?" Darcy started giggling as he gently rested his finger on the tip of her nose.

 

"I don't know, evolution I guess, I didn't design them!"

 

"And you have all these extra fingers that don't seem to do anything!" Darcy was laughing hard now, which produced a shaking effect he rather appreciated.

 

"I like your eyes though, they're like little jewels." Bill gathered his courage. "Especially yours."

 

Darcy stopped laughing and stared up at him. "You like my eyes?"

 

He swallowed. "I, uh, like the rest of you too." She took so long to reply he thought he'd ruined things.

 

"I'm not going to lie to you Bill, I do find you odd-looking, but things are always a bit strange and different with someone new aren't they? Umm, I like you too. I like you a lot. You make me laugh, and you care so much about your friends, and we both met Thor by attacking him so we have that in common though I admit it probably looked a bit more epic when you did it. And I'm always going to think noses look silly now so thank you for that."

 

"You mean that?"

 

"About noses?"

 

"About liking me."

 

"Yes! I...look, if I kiss you again will you think it's out of pity?"

 

He wrapped an arm around her experimentally, a part of him still astonished that she didn't try to pull away. "No. I'd like that."


	8. Speech!

Braced between his body and the railing Darcy stretched upwards and kissed Bill on the end of the snout. Unsure of how to keep kissing someone without lips she ran the tips of her fingers along his muzzle, feeling the planes of bone beneath the warm, velvety skin. His tongue darted out and licked the inside of her wrist and she froze.

 

"I'm sorry, was that weird?"

 

"No, it just startled me that's all. It actually felt nice."

 

She stroked his face again and he nuzzled against her hand, the very tip of his tongue playing against her pulse point. Her other hand explored the corded muscles of his neck. She became aware of a deep, bass rumbling...

 

"Are you _purring_?"

 

"Maybe."

 

...as his hands glided down her back to rest on her hips. Resting his head against her temple he made a soft huffing nose (hair was amazing! It felt so nice and smelled so good) and began to gently lick her neck. She rested her head on his chest, realizing that this was something she really liked.

 

"Would you like to go somewhere more private?" gasped Darcy, suddenly acutely aware of the glass doors behind them.

 

"We could go to my ship..." [Don't you dare Bill, I'm really busy at the moment] came Skuttlebutt's voice in his head "...or, uh, you have an apartment here don't you?"

 

"Yes, sure!"

 

They stepped indoors and immediately collided with an extremely drunk Clint.

 

"Look everybody! It's the maid man and the best of honor!" A ragged cheer went up.

 

"Thanks Clint, we were trying to get in without everyone noticing." hissed Darcy.

 

"It's hard not to be noticed when you look like..." Clint saw Darcy's expression and hurriedly backtracked "...when you look like Darcy, in that top, which makes you noticeable, because I noticed your...aaaw, fuck. I'll be, I'll be over there. Bye!" he stumbled hurriedly away to hide behind his brother.

 

"Speech!" called someone, and the cry was quickly taken up by the crowd. Darcy and Bill looked at each other in panic.

 

"I don't have a speech! Do you?"

 

"Only the one for the wedding!"

 

"Well do that then!'

 

"I can't, then I'll have nothing to say at the wedding!"

 

"At least you have a speech! I don't have a speech!"

 

Bill considered for a moment. "Yes, but I can do this and you can't." Darcy shrieked and tumbled forward as he picked her up by the ankles and balanced her on his shoulder, narrowly avoiding hitting her head on the ceiling a fraction of a second before Thor bellowed "Watch her head Bill!"

 

"Oh my God Bill you're such a jerk!" Darcy spluttered. Someone cheered. "That wasn't the speech." she added hurriedly, and relaxed as that got a round of laughter. Carol bounced up to press a glass into her hand.

 

"So, um, hi! We're here today to celebrate the fact that Jane and Thor are getting married!" (cheering) "Some people here have worked with them, some people have fought beside them, I think some people have fought against them, but what we all have in common is that we all love them both!" (more cheering) "Except you two at the back who are just here for the free food, don't think I can't see you." (Barney grinned and waved a drumstick while Deadpool whooped) "Anyway, so we're all very happy for them and I'm sure they're going to make each other very happy, so join me in raising your glasses or bottles or I think that might be a drinking horn over there to Jane and Thor!"

 

"Jane and Thor!" chorused the room. Darcy raised her glass to the ceiling and an M&M aimed with surgical precision landed in her cleavage.

 

"You're a dead man Clint Barton, I know no one else could throw that accurately!" This sentence proved to be a tactical error as Darcy was suddenly subjected to a hail of missiles thrown by people intent on proving they could throw that accurately.

 

"Put me down, DOWN! Now! Thank y...WHO THE HELL THROWS A WHOLE ROAST CHICKEN?"

 

"It's very wasteful." agreed Bill, chewing happily on his prize. A watermelon sailed overhead and was vaporized by a lightning bolt.

 

"That's it, hold it right there. No one is throwing another god dammed thing..." snarled Tony "...until I get my gauntlets on." Rhodey promptly immobilized him in a choke hold.

 

Darcy and Bill watched in horrified fascination as a full-blown foodfight broke out. Giggling and draped over an equally giggly but fractionally more vertical Sam, Steve hurled a charred pizza at Maria Hill, who dodged with a backflip. It spun on towards Jen, who intercepted it with the nearest available object which turned out to be Fandral. Clint snapped his bow together and attempted to fire a baguette. Bruce crawled under a table. In a flash of blue light a donut aimed at Kate was redirected to another dimension, where its appearance was worshipped as evidence of divine powers and led to the creation of two new sects and a minor religious war. Jane was trying to help Thor get egg salad out of his hair. Unheeded above the chaos Jess was creeping into position across the ceiling with a bowl of jello.

 

"Do you think we should stop this?" asked Bill.

 

"Well we could try. Or alternatively we could go back to my apartment and you could help me get the M&Ms out of my bra."

 

"I think I prefer the second option."

 

"Yeah, me too."

 

Bill slipped his arm around her shoulders. As they turned to leave he stiffened, and Darcy spotted Sif in the corner, a lonely figure aloof from the chaos. The warrior met her gaze and there was no anger in her eyes, just sadness and resignation, and suddenly everything made sense to Darcy. "Sif, wait!" she called, but the other woman slipped away, swift and silent as a shadow.

 

"You and Sif..."

 

"We were together, yes."

 

"It didn't work out."

 

"There was someone else. Oh no, we're not still together. There was a lot of pressure to make it work with her, but in the end we realized none of it was coming from us."

 

"But you two didn't get back together?"

 

"We both have," he paused "duties. It seemed easier this way. It's in the past now, and I promise it has no bearing on how I feel about you."

 

Darcy considered for a moment. "Bill, I'm going to make a suggestion, and if you think it's weird or you're not interested in me afterwards I'll understand, but I'll regret it if I don't say this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first M&M was actually thrown by Deadpool, who was aiming for her glass.
> 
> Both the chicken and the watermelon were thrown by Ben, who had discovered Jaegermeister earlier that evening and gotten rather overenthusiastic.


	9. Good morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Gutterpigeon](http://archiveofourown.org/users/gutterpigeon/profile) did amazing fanart for this chapter, which you can reblog on Tumblr [here](http://stardustandstrawberries.tumblr.com/post/136107253847/skuttlebutts-bill-sif-and-a-happily)

Darcy woke with a start and then congratulated herself on not screaming, which would have been extremely rude. It turned out Bill slept with his eyes open, which was rather an alarming image to be confronted with when first regaining consciousness.

 

Etiquette probably dictated that she should get up and leave at this point, but as this was her apartment that wasn't really an option. It wasn't that last night hadn't been good - last night had been incredible in ways she could never have imagined and she was pretty sure in future humans would be a letdown. But she was sure that this was going to be awkward and she didn't want things to be awkward with Bill, not just because they'd be seeing a lot of each other with the wedding coming up but because at some point last night she had realized that she liked him in a way that went beyond a one night thing, and she didn't want to make life difficult for him.

 

She felt she should probably trying to work out where to go from here, but she just wanted to enjoy the last few moments of this without having to think about it. With a small sigh she curled into the solid warmth of his chest and tried to go back to sleep. Sleep proved elusive though, and she found herself tracing the swells and furrows of his muscles with her fingertips.

 

A slender hand closed over hers, and Sif raised her head over Bill's bulk, her eyes sparking. "Good morning sweetling." she said, and kissed Darcy's hand in a way that made her breath catch in her throat. She attempted to scramble over Bill to kiss her on the lips which woke him with a start, and he pulled the two women into his arms so they all collapsed together in a giggling, purring heap.

 

With a sigh of contentment Sif lay back so that her feet rested on Bill's chest. He started playing idly with them, investigating her pinkie toe.

 

Squirming happily against the warm arm around her, Darcy realized to her delight that neither of these people were embarrassed or awkward or keen to be on their way. This wasn't her first threesome or the first time she'd slept with someone on their first date (if an evening trying to keep Avengers Tower and everyone in it intact counted as a date) but it was the first time that everyone had simply and unashamedly enjoyed each others' company afterwards. Score one for Asgardian morality, nil for Midgardian. She would have purred herself if she could.

 

Bill tickled the sole of Sif's foot. "I shall slay you where you lie for your impudence." she murmured, not bothering to open her eyes.

 

"Ooh, can I play?" giggled Darcy, reaching for her other foot.

 

"I shall slay you too. Later, when I have the energy." said Sif, stretching like a cat.

 

"Slay me after you've had coffee maybe?"

 

"If there should be coffee perhaps I would deign to let you live."

 

"On it!" Darcy slid off the bed.

 

"Nay, lie with me a while. " said Sif. "You most graciously invited us into your chambers last night, it would be churlish to expect you to cater to us as well."

 

"I'll make it." said Bill, getting up.

 

"Indeed? Know you how?"

 

"Of course I know how to make coffee!" said Bill, ignoring Sif's skeptical expression and striding confidently into the kitchen where he was confronted with an array of Midgardian technology that looked more appropriate for repairing a starship than preparing food. He examined a few jars helplessly, realizing he'd been hoping that one would say "coffee" on it and have detailed instructions, preferably in Korbinite. "JARVIS?" he whispered. "How do I make coffee?"

 

There was no answer. He tried again, slightly louder, hoping he couldn't be heard in the bedroom. When there was still no response he tried calling for JARVIS from the front room, with the same result.

 

[Skuttlebutt, can you contact JARVIS?] he asked through their mental connection. The answer was decidedly irritable. [What makes you think he's talking to me?]

 

Concerned now he went back into the bedroom, catching his breath at the sight of the two women with hair and limbs entangled, Darcy's creamy softness contrasting beautifully with Sif's lean, powerful lines. They smiled at him and for a moment he considered ignoring the problem with JARVIS and just climbing back into bed with them.

 

"The ship, uh the AI isn't responding."

 

Darcy blinked sleepily at him. "Yeah, he was really grumpy with me last night too."

 

"No he's not answering at all."

 

"What? JARVIS? JARVIS?!? Shit, do you think someone broke him?"

 

Sif nodded grimly. "Who knows what mischief occurred after we retired?"

 

Darcy groaned. "Great. I guess we need to sort this out then."

 

There followed an extremely confused few minutes as three people tried to dress in a hurry in a maelstrom of too many limbs tangling in cast-off sheets and tripping on too much armor, and Darcy managed to rip the armhole of her nightdress making a determined effort to put her head through it, but eventually they were ready to confront the aftermath of the party.


	10. The part after the morning after

An angel in a purple cocktail dress and a stars and stripes jacket appeared with mugs of coffee.

 

"Marry me Kate Bishop." moaned Darcy, gasping down the scalding liquid.

 

"Sorry but I'm already taken."

 

"America's not missing too is she?"

 

"No, she's just sobering Hogun up through the gentle application of violence." A snort drew Kate's attention to the unconscious Clint. She prodded him in the kidneys experimentally with the toe of her shoe, causing him to snuffle and nuzzle his face into Fandral's back. "I'm pretty sure those panties he's wearing aren't his."

 

"I won't ask how you know."

 

"Eeeew, please. They're not purple. By the way I think I've found Carol and Natasha at least."

 

"In the kitchen?" Bruce's face lit up with desperate hope.

 

"On the news on the TV in there. Did you know there's something called a pop-up bar in London, in a shipping container by the Thames? Well it's on top of Mount Snowdon now. Apparently a red-haired woman just came out and asked some climbers if they had any Tylenol."

 

Tony stumbled into the common room, wild haired and wild eyed, looking like a man who had just survived either a Doombot attack or a chewing out by Pepper.

 

"Wait, where are Jane's friends?" asked Darcy, suddenly realizing the scientists were unaccounted for.

 

"Uh, about that..."

 

She let Tony drag her into the corridor.

 

"Uh yeah, so don't panic, no one died, but there was a minor lab accident."

 

"What? How? I thought the labs were locked down!"

 

"Yes. Yes they were. But the problem with that is that I wrote the code to lock them down, so it was fairly easy for me to..."

 

"You let them in the lab didn't you?"

 

"Not all of them, most of them got an early night! Just Sayed and Sylvie. They were so interested!  And Jane and Thor were with them."

 

"And then what happened?" Tony looked as though he was about to have a panic attack. "Shall we work up to it?" He nodded gratefully.

 

"Does anyone have superpowers that they didn't have yesterday?"

 

"No."

 

Darcy thought for a moment. "Does anyone not have superpowers that they had yesterday?"

 

"No."

 

"Is anyone a different species, a different gender, a different age or inhabiting a different body to yesterday?"

 

"No."

 

"Okay, that's the usual covered. What happened Tony?"

 

"They created a very small portal."

 

Darcy narrowed her eyes. "How small?"

 

"Big enough to transport four people and an enchanted hammer."

 

"And this portal went too...?"

 

"I've been working on that, but it was definitely somewhere in this galaxy at least. And then it collapsed."

 

"So why are you talking about this instead of trying to reopen it?"

 

"Thank you, that's exactly what I've been trying to say to Pepper all this time! But the truth is, I can't."

 

"You can't?"

 

"Look much as it pains me to admit it I'm not the only genius around her, and the truth is Jane can understand this stuff and I can't. I can figure out where the portal opened but that's about it. They'll be fine, Thor's got a mean swing on him and Jane's sensible."

 

"You're kidding right? Jane's fighting Steve for captaincy of team 'I did the thing you told me not to do'." Darcy took a few deep breaths to calm herself down. "It's okay, you just keep working on figuring out where they went, I know a guy with a ship."

 

"Yeah, about that. You've gotten to know Bill pretty well haven't you?"

 

"What?!"

 

"No no no, I mean you've organized things and talked together? You know about his..." Tony waved his hands, lost when it came to understanding anything that wasn't mechanical "...culture? Taboos? Morals? That sort of thing?"

 

"Look you'd be better off talking to one of the Asgardians..."

 

"Yes but Thor's AWOL and Sif..." he paused "scares me, honestly. I just want to know if there was likely to be a galactic incident if..."

 

"If?"

 

"Look, JARVIS was saying she was being very persistent and although her subroutines were very elegant he didn't think it was proper as she was from an alien culture, but then getting him drunk seems to have removed all his inhibitions and..."

 

"Just spit it out Tony."

 

Tony looked pleadingly into her eyes. "Darcy, I'm not even sure how this works between AIs but last night I'm pretty sure JARVIS and Bill's ship slept together."

 

"WHAT? How is that even possible?"

 

"I don't understand how it worked myself, they're completely alien systems" (Tony didn't notice Darcy's blush) "but there was a huge amount of data transferred, some really deep core protocols, and, well..."

 

"Actually that does explain a lot about how they've both been acting lately. Don't worry about it, I'm sure he'll be happy for them. How do you feel?"

 

"Very strange. I mean, I made JARVIS, I never expected he'd do something like this..."

 

Darcy patted him on the shoulder. "I'm sure all fathers feel like this the first time their kids get laid."

 

"Bartender just came out! Said it was the best shift of his life and he doesn't care if they fire him tomorrow!" called Kate from the kitchen, interrupting them.

 

"Okay Tony, you just go and find the coordinates, I'll handle this. It won't be the hardest thing I've had to deal with lately." Darcy went back into the common room, taking Bill's paw in her left hand and Sif's in her right.

 

"Um, Bill? It is as bad as you expected. Jane built a portal which collapsed and trapped her and Thor and two of their friends on another planet somewhere. Tony and Bruce are working on finding where they went, but you've got a ship so..."

 

"Fear not Darcy, we shall see that they come to no harm." said Sif.

 

"Hey, I'm coming too!"

 

"Think you that that is wise? We may encounter many dangers upon this quest..."

 

"She has to Sif, she is Jane's Maiden of Honor, charged with delivering her safely to the wedding. It is her duty, as it is mine to Thor as Best Man." explained Bill.

 

"I apologize Darcy, I had not appreciated this and would not ask you to break your oath."

 

"Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing. Can we come? America's been talking about doing a road trip for ages." said Kate.

 

"Um, sure?" Darcy felt events were rather spiraling out of her control.

 

"And should bring Clint with us."

 

"Think you that we shall have need of two archers?"

 

"It's more that judging from what he's wearing he might want to be somewhere else when he wakes up."

 

Sif simply picked the unconscious Clint up by the shoulder with one hand and shook him until Fandral tumbled from his grasp. She then slung him over her own shoulder.

 

"That was incredible!"

 

"She is Asgardian, Kate."

 

"No, I meant the fact that neither of them woke up!"

 

Darcy shrugged. "We should probably get him some clothes."

 

"Oh don't worry, I always carry at least one spare set for him. What? You never wonder how he usually manages to turn up for briefings without coffee stains on his shirt?"

 

Darcy nodded. "Okay then, go and get America. Tony, Bruce? Find out where that portal went. Sif, explain the situation to Fandral and Hogun. Everyone else assemble or suit up or do whatever it is you do. We're going to find them!

 

Just let me put a bra on first."


	11. Epilogue

Kate Bishop was lost and annoyed at herself for it. Sure all the corridors looked similar and the directions, if that was what they were, were in some alien language she didn't understand, but Kate had always prided herself on her sense of direction and sure Skuttlebutt was big bit she really wasn't big enough to get this lost in. So Kate was annoyed, because if she stopped being annoyed at herself for long enough she'd start getting creeped out.

 

The design of the ship was just alien enough to be unsettling, the light was just a little too low, and after all she only had Darcy's word for it that Bill didn't actually eat people. The discovery of an enormous room filled with what looked like human-sized storage chambers hadn't helped matters.

 

Venturing hesitantly down yet another dimly lit corridor Kate suddenly paused. There was a noise of the very threshold of her hearing; furtive, organic. It sounded like chewing. Kate took a few deep breaths to calm herself and nocked an arrow before proceeding, bow raised.

 

A few drops of warm liquid fell from the ceiling and splashed on her hand. It took all her self-discipline not to scream. Even in the gloom she could see it was red. Summoning all her courage she looked up.

 

Deadpool was crouched in the ventilation duct, his mask pushed halfway up his face, eating a burrito. He waved at her then put his finger to his lips.

 

Kate cautiously lifted her hand to her face, sniffed the red liquid.

 

"Wade, where did you even get salsa in deep space?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, thanks so much everyone who's been reading along, I've never written anything before that's got as much love as this fic! Hugs to GutterPigeon and FlashySyren, I've LOVED all your comments :)
> 
> There will be a sequel at some point in which I stick a bunch of my favorite characters on a ship that is also one of my favorite characters and send them into space in search of two more of my favorite characters.


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